


My weakness caused you pain

by Kezcakes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 10:51:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11735532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kezcakes/pseuds/Kezcakes
Summary: Alec centred short drabble set directly after 2.18





	My weakness caused you pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fic for this fandom. Its not my best so sorry.  
> Trigger warning for slight self harm.   
> Comments are appreciated :)

After the shock of realising that the mortal mirror is Lake Lyn they disperse from the office leaving Alec alone with his thoughts. He goes to sit by his desk, his hand lingers over the chair; with a sigh he decides against it and instead makes his way to his room. He closes his door, with a thunk his head hits against the heavy wood as he leans against it. Somehow he managed to keep his emotions in check in front of everyone, but now he's alone everything comes flooding back. The conversation with Magnus. Magnus walking away. A lone tear escapes as he pinches the bridge of his nose. He slides down the door and hugs his knees into his chest.

He knew that it wasn't the end, but it still felt as though his heart was breaking. Magnus was in pain, a pain he caused _his mistake_. As he closes his eyes all he can see is Magnus's brimmed with tears; a war fighting behind them. W _hat have I done?_ A strangled sob escapes, he flings his head back against the door and digs his nails into his knees. He thinks of Max and loses any remaining control; he nearly lost his little brother. _How was I stupid enough to let this happen? To let all of this happen._

But Magnus had been there for him when he needed him most; and that what he had to keep reminding himself. They'll find each other again, _give it time. We'll find ourselves in each other arms again._ His eyes scan the room, while it was his room it no longer felt like it was his home. His home was with Magnus, pain shot through him at the thought of not knowing when he would next be at home again, in his bed, _their_ bed. He musters up all the strength he can and scrapes himself off the floor. Mechanically peeling his clothes off he stumbles onto the bed.

He's led for only a few seconds before a frustrated sigh has him shooting up into a sitting position, a hand roughing pulling through his hair. He bites his lip and squeezes his eyes shut; willing his thoughts to stop. His voice echoing in Alecs mind, _you lied to me._ He tries to tell himself that even if he had told Magnus the truth himself, things wouldn't be any different. Magnus would still be stuck between his lover and his kind- his family. There would still be a war raging inside the warlock.

_You once asked me what I was afraid of, this is what I'm afraid of._ Fear: the next emotion to hit. Fear for what was to come, fear of being treated as a stranger. _Whatever Magnus needs right now is more important. If he needs space, emotional as well as physical I have to give him that. I owe him that. Our love is strong, we can make it through this, we have to._ Panicked at the idea of this being the beginning of the end his breathing increases, become more erratic, his nails dig hard into his scalp, the pain acting as a calmer, taking the edge off. He tugs at his hair as he releases his grip, his arms moving to hug around his knees, taking deep calming breaths he manages to change focus.

A sad smile as he remembers some of their happier memories, the ease that Magnus makes him feel; the peace that falls between them when they are alone. They way their hands slot together, how their bodies feel in a comfortable tangle of limbs. Those eyes which convey so much more than words ever could. _I need you beautiful._ He doesn’t realise how hard he's gripping his leg until he feels a slight wetness well up under his fingers. In a daze he looks at the blood, cursing to himself the flood gates open and he curls tightly in on himself, letting the anguish take over.

His brain doesn't register the sound of his door being opened and closed; it isn't until he feels a pair of strong arms wrap around him accompanied by a shift of the bed that he registers the presence of someone else. His body turns rigid. Jace, having felt something wrong with his parabarai he had come to help in any way possible. Whispering soothing words to Alec, he feels some tension leave his body. They shift position, Alec burring his face into Jace's chest, not wanting his face to be seen, but appreciating the comfort none the less. After a while the tears dry up and Alec passes out; by this point they have slid down the bed so that they are led down. Jace spends the night holding Alec close, wishing he could do more to ease his parabatai's suffering. Willing their impossible situation to end. For all the complications to fall away.


End file.
